For ages, western society has had the folk tradition of New Years resolutions shoved down its gluttonous, sinful throat. However, the tradition sometimes outweighs its meaning, and we find ourselves making meaningless pledges that we only make to satisfy the convention.
“I will not eat chocolate”—This one may be the oldest in the book, but stop and think about it. Does it really mean anything to give up sweets? With all the diet books out today, there have got to be a few that point to chocolate as a healthy treat. If you’re really dedicated to losing the pounds, how about “I will go to the gym every day” or “I will stop eating so much freakin’ McDonald’s?” Just a thought.
“I will quit smoking”—I don’t smoke. I’m not a fan of it either. But let’s be real, as strong as you think you are, you’re bound to pick it back up by March or, at the very latest, Spring Break (“I only smoke when I drink”). How about flipping that line to “I will smoke two packs a day, not 7” or “I will find alternative methods to slowly kill myself, like buying a minivan and starting a family.”
“I will spend less time on the Internet”—Unfortunately, if you’ve made it this far in the column, you’re out of luck. May as well quit smoking while there’s still time.
New Years Resolutions that Don’t Count
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