In his most recent installment, IDS News blogger Matt Dollinger points to the growing camaraderie between Indiana University coach Bill Lynch and Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy. He claims that ever since the two traveled to New York to ring the NASDAQ bell in the name of the Insight Bowl, they’ve been flamboyantly fond of one another in public—what Dollinger calls the “anti-Belichick/Mangini” relationship. This has got to stop.
I realize Lynch is incredibly modest and versatile and perhaps one of the most well-rounded coaches in college football. But this is a chance for Indiana University to reclaim its fame by defying the rules of cordial public appearances and whooping some ass in the name of Bobby Knight.
By my clock, we’re got like less than 18 hours until game time. There’s still time to let the Cowboys know who’s boss! Here are three crucial moves Lynch must make that are pivotal in establishing our dominance on the field.
2:30AM-Anonymously leak a Gundy sex tape to the press—There may not be such a thing, which is why a Gundy stand-in will have to be found in a matter of hours. Time is of the essence! I realize you’re probably trying to get “sleep” for the “big game” tomorrow, but what’s more damaging to the opponent: spending hours strategizing for the game or filming a fake porno to be used against the opponent? The Cowboys will be having on-field nightmares while Hardy runs all over them…
8:00AM-Deny knowledge of sex tape while planting Ex-Lax in Cowboys’ Gatorade—Have you ever seen the players take down that Gatorade at games? It’s ridiculous. You’d think they’re actually exhausted or something. Well, have you ever thought, “Hey, what if that was stool softener?” Yea, me too. Well, we can make that happen, and while Lewis is having the game of his career, his opponents will all be asking to get the hell off the field…
5:57PM-Throw a chair—Seal the deal, Lynch. I don’t care if you have to rip a bleacher out of the stands, but you find that chair and you throw it on the field. Now, I’d hate to jeopardize the game and your ability to coach it, so this would be best accomplished if done before the game begins. That way, you still establish the fact that you want to kick some serious tail while playing it off as an accident.
Again, timing is crucial, and so is this win. Whether you choose to take my advice is up to you—I’m sure we can seal this win regardless. Go Hoosiers!
Photo Credit: IDSnews.com
Friendship and football don’t mix
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