Every holiday season, I envision returning to a snowy white lawn in front of my home, complimented with an array of tacky decorations that make the atmosphere just right. In reality, when I do drive up to my home, there’s no snow, and I’m asked to take the trash out as I approach the house with my hands full of bags. For most, the nostalgic illusion we have from our childhood is far gone, so here are a few traditions that have since been replaced with better, more profitable traditions.
Tradition: Mistletoe
Replaced with: Girls Gone Wild
While your aunt and uncle may set up this decorative frill above an obvious doorway so that they can makeout in front of the family, your friends should not be screwing with this stuff. We’ve moved on from pecks in the check to having the crew for Girls Gone Wild: Christmas Hoes setup shop at the party on the 24th.
Tradition: Christmas Tree
Replaced with:
Futuristic Electronic Christmas Tree
I don’t know about you, but I’m so over cutting down trees and putting them in my living room. It’s almost barbaric. That’s why you should embrace the future and purchase one of these thrifty electronic Christmas trees. Ditch the ornaments and all that—stick a 9 volt battery in this puppy and you’ll be spending countless nights gazing at this futuristic marvel with your family. Get 'em while they last*!
Tradition: Santa Claus
Replaced with: KB Toyz Gift Card
Unfortunately, most of us in the 18-22 year old range missed out on this and were lied to as children, but the parents of today have finally ended the age-old farce that a fat white guy wiggles down our chimneys every Christmas Eve. For one, most homes don’t have chimneys anymore so this simply doesn’t hold up. Additionally, our society’s children have been a bit behind the global learning curve, so taking this lie out of the picture will only help our nation and its success in the War on Terror.
*This article sponsored by Electronics123.com
That Christmas Tradition is so 1993
Linear Mode
