It’s 2:00pm and I just woke up an hour ago. I’ve been through my usual routine—eating a bowl of generic Cheerios, not showering and watching infomercials—and am now contemplating the day ahead.
But the day began much earlier for thousands of consumers, lab rats and spending enthusiasts nationwide. Consumer confidence has been down with gas at 12 bucks a gallon and numerous recalls of poisonous Chinese toys. But that hasn’t slowed the pace of Black Friday, an opportunity for every retail outlet to offer exclusive deals even more impressive than last year’s exclusive deals. The catch? A night of sleep.
KB Toys is like crack for the soccer moms.
Obviously, I didn’t “take advantage” of any of these deals, so in a cynical effort to regain my pride, here are a few reasons why I’m better than anyone who woke up at 3:00am this morning.
- Toys “R” Us had 101 “door busters” for its sale, starting at 5am —that’s four times the number of early morning specials they offered last year!! What could be better? How about the fantastic dream I was having with Jessica Alba? She's as sweet as she wanna be, baby. Oh, and I shouldn't forget the fact that there probably was a bit of “door busting” at a few stores, resulting in numerous tramplings and fist fights, especially because the “mystery deals” required soccer moms to search the store for their deals instead of planning their routes from the ad in the paper. Ohhh, Jessica…
- A couple interviewed by USA Today claims they saved over $1,500 in purchasing various electronic gizmos and toys at Best Buy. Oh, they also claimed they waited for 35 hours, securing their top spot in line. The store opened at 5am, so with my math (which isn’t great), they were waiting outside of a Best Buy to purchase X-Boxes and laptops while the majority of America was sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. That, friends, is pathetic. In case you missed it, the turkey, mashed taters and stuffing were all delicious last night.
- In my home town of Fort Wayne, there have already been 20 fender benders reported within a 5 mile radius of the mall. Say you’re looking to save 60% on everything at Macy’s and end up “saving” a couple hundred, only to toss it towards someone’s rear quarter panel in the parking lot. It’s also 6:30am. What has been gained today? A new Barbie styling set for Sally and a couple points added to the driving record. Ohhh, Jessica…
Black Friday: I'm not buyin it...
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