The Wisdom of Mr. Brooks

[Adam Mendelevitz]

Ladies and gentlemen, the following has nothing to do with politics. What it has to do with is the survival of the human race. “Oh sure,” you say. “What could possibly threaten the human race? Everyone knows global warming doesn’t exist.” Well, it wasn’t global warming, but a lecture that changed my life. A lecture by the infamous expert on zombies, the author of The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z himself, Max Brooks.

Upon arriving onstage in Alumni Hall at about 7 PM the previous Tuesday (10/28), Brooks tried to impose upon us the seriousness of his words. One of the things he stressed during his speech was that dealing with a real zombie threat was rarely anything like the movies. For example: what do you think of when you imagine using electricity from solar and wind power? Clothing made out of hemp? Or even spreading sawdust over your excrement instead of wasting water by flushing it down a toilet?

“Hippies,” Brooks said. Apparently, the hippies have cunningly transformed such low-tech things into a part of their marginal counter-culture, making it seem taboo for any normal person to try them. If there should be a zombie outbreak in the near future then while most of us in America will eventually run out of Ramen noodles and clean shirts, “these ‘granola-crunchies’ know they’ll be the only ones left” to repopulate the Earth.

Having given us his dire warning of a futuristic world with organic vegetables, sappy peace songs and an emphasis on recyclable materials, Brooks then told the audience of the many ways they can prepare for a zombie outbreak. One of the good things about zombies, according to Brooks, is that they are simple-minded creatures. They usually move at about walking speed, they lack the sense to open a locked door, and they can be easily distracted by loud noises. However, being the reanimated flesh of the dead, they feel no pain, and as such are difficult to take down.

As Americans, especially in Indiana, chances are that we could easily acquire guns to fight this undead menace. However, the bullets will only work if you shoot them right between the eyes, and if you should run out of ammo, it’s not like there will be a factory nearby assembling new bullets. If you have to fight off any zombies, Brooks highly recommended that you look for a good quality machete or ax, or other bladed tools that have a number of uses besides just killing things.

If you should find yourself running away from a zombie horde, another piece of advice that Brooks gave to his audience is to try not to take too much bottled water, as it will only weigh you down. Instead, make use of natural water sources and makeshift filters for the long-term. As for transportation? Learn to ride a good bike. It’s easy to use, easy to maintain, and it doesn’t require any fuel other than your own two feet to move. If you take a car and it runs out of gas or something breaks, then chances are you’ll be screwed.

But let’s say that you don’t have the time or resources to stay in one place and fend off the zombies for a long time. Let’s say you want to escape to a place where even zombies would have trouble surviving. In this case, Brooks sagely suggests that you should pack up your things and head north. And he’s not just talking Toronto, but to the farthest parts you can go in Alaska, or even maybe Siberia. Of course, just because you may be able to see these places from your house, it doesn’t mean you can actually survive there without some help, so get to know the natives a little bit. Maybe take a vacation there and get someone’s phone number. That way, if your home is overrun by zombies, you’ll have someone helping you survive in the frosty wilderness.

Eventually, Brooks ended his lecture and signed copies of his own books for the masses, imprinting a little bit of his wit and wisdom on each one. When I asked him how he was able to get past his writer’s block in order to finish writing his prophetic novel World War Z, he answered me with the words I shall remember to this day: “The key to beating writer’s block is to finish the first draft.” Genius! I never could have thought of that before, but now Brooks has opened my eyes.

If we are ever attacked by zombies like the marchers by the Sample Gates last night, or if I’m ever stuck wondering how to continue writing a story, I shall be ready to defeat all obstacles in my way. Thank you, Mr. Brooks, for your invaluable words.